Green Card Guilt Removal™
You promised you'd move back “in two years.” That was 2015. We don't fix the promise. We remove the part of you that remembers making it.
Do You Recognize These Symptoms?
Six clinically unverified signs that your return ticket has become a lifestyle choice.
The Rolling Two-Year Window
Every year since 2011, you have been 'two years out' from moving back. The window has never once closed. It just rolls forward, like your visa.
The Diwali Call Flinch
You physically wince when a relative asks 'so when are you finally coming home for good?' We surgically remove the flinch, not the pattern.
The Unopened Return Suitcase
Bought in 2016 for the move that was 'definitely happening by 2018.' Currently stores extra Amazon boxes in the Edison garage.
Nationalism From 8,000 Miles Away
You retweet 'New India' content nightly from a rental in Fremont. Our treatment doesn't stop this. Nothing stops this.
The Perpetually Rebooked Flight
Booked three times, cancelled three times, each time for a 'critical sprint at work.' We convert the cancellation fee into a tax write-off for closure.
The 'I'm Basically Still Indian' Defense
Deployed whenever a cousin points out you haven't voted in an Indian election, visited a ration shop, or survived a Delhi summer since 2009.
Choose Your Absolution Plan
Cancel anytime. Just like the flight.
Basic Absolution
- One (1) pre-written excuse for the family group chat
- Guilt suppression during Diwali calls
- Green card renewal reminder, priority over flight search
Premium Denial
- Everything in Basic
- Custom 'the market back home isn't ready for me yet' script
- Return-ticket search history, permanently cleared
- Same-day rebuttal for 'but your grandmother is not getting younger'
Ultimate Settlement Package
- Everything in Premium
- Full garage-to-home-office conversion consultation
- Mortgage pre-approval instead of a plane ticket
- Lifetime supply of 'I'll come for a short trip, not to move' talking points
Patients Who Stopped Feeling It
“I promised my mother I'd move back after my Masters. That was eleven years and two green card renewals ago. I feel nothing now. Truly nothing.”
“Booked the ticket, cancelled the ticket, framed the cancellation email, hung it in the garage. This program gave me the strength to stop pretending the frame was ironic.”
“My father asked when I'm 'finally coming home for good.' I forwarded him a WhatsApp message about India's GDP growth instead of answering. Zero guilt. Ten out of ten.”
Green Card Guilt Removal™ is a satirical wellness product. It does not remove guilt, book flights, renew visas, or call your mother back. It exists to make fun of the people who need it, not to be it.
Still flinching at “so when are you coming home?”
Take our free diagnostic scan. It only takes as long as your last flight search, which is to say, it will not finish.