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🔥 JUST MATCHED: Bay Area reply guy matched with a Discord server he's never muted!✅ GREEN CARD UPDATE: Priority date moved by 4 days. Groom celebrates like it's independence.📜 DEGREE VERIFIED: Full-Stack Nationalism, self-certified, no bootcamp required.🧠 NEW RED FLAG: Has visited India twice since 2015, both times for a wedding — Swipe Left Immediately!✈️ RETURN TICKET STATUS: Rebooked for 'next year, for sure' — 6th consecutive rebooking, personal best.📵 FACT-CHECK REQUESTED: Forward Uncle has not responded. Forward Uncle is never available for fact-checks.💬 THREAD ALERT: 40-tweet foreign policy breakdown posted under a stranger's vacation photo.📊 LINKEDIN AUDIT: Post uses 'humbled' 4 times, 'grateful' 3 times, sources 0 times. Engagement: unaffected.🏠 GREEN CARD GURU UPDATE: Childhood bedroom redecorated a fourth time. Still hasn't booked the flight.🕐 TIMEZONE NOTICE: Debate about a 6 PM cabinet reshuffle continues at 3 AM local, undefeated.🔥 JUST MATCHED: Bay Area reply guy matched with a Discord server he's never muted!✅ GREEN CARD UPDATE: Priority date moved by 4 days. Groom celebrates like it's independence.📜 DEGREE VERIFIED: Full-Stack Nationalism, self-certified, no bootcamp required.🧠 NEW RED FLAG: Has visited India twice since 2015, both times for a wedding — Swipe Left Immediately!✈️ RETURN TICKET STATUS: Rebooked for 'next year, for sure' — 6th consecutive rebooking, personal best.📵 FACT-CHECK REQUESTED: Forward Uncle has not responded. Forward Uncle is never available for fact-checks.💬 THREAD ALERT: 40-tweet foreign policy breakdown posted under a stranger's vacation photo.📊 LINKEDIN AUDIT: Post uses 'humbled' 4 times, 'grateful' 3 times, sources 0 times. Engagement: unaffected.🏠 GREEN CARD GURU UPDATE: Childhood bedroom redecorated a fourth time. Still hasn't booked the flight.🕐 TIMEZONE NOTICE: Debate about a 6 PM cabinet reshuffle continues at 3 AM local, undefeated.
Effective Immediately
Privacy Policy
We take your privacy about as seriously as our grooms take their return date.
1. What We Collect
Your LinkedIn activity, your WhatsApp forward history, your green card priority date, and any opinion you've ever posted about a country you last visited in 2019. We consider all of it public record, same as you do.
2. How We Use Your Data
Primarily to forward it to the family WhatsApp group, unread. Secondarily, for 'quarterly desh bhakti reporting' we have not defined anywhere, mostly on LinkedIn.
3. Data Retention
Forever, mostly as a screenshot on someone's phone in Edison, NJ. Deletion requests are rescheduled indefinitely, same as your return ticket.
4. Your Rights
You have the right to remain humbled and grateful. Anything you post can and will be used against you by a cousin, in the replies, at volume.
5. Security
Your data is protected by the same security model as your uncle's group-chat sources: none whatsoever, but we are very confident about it.
This is a satirical privacy policy for a fictional site. No real data is collected, stored, or forwarded to anyone's WhatsApp group.
By reading this far, your visit has been logged, forwarded, and quietly added to someone's engagement metrics.