Rishta Spreadsheet Uncle

“Runs a 47-tab Google Sheet cross-referencing gotra, visa status, and Zodiac compatibility for the entire Edison, NJ diaspora. Unpaid. Unasked.”

Age52, spreadsheet has more relationship history than he does

Height5'8" (Column M, self-reported, unverified like everyone else's)

ProfessionPharmacist, Volunteer Regional Matchmaking Analyst (self-appointed)

EducationB.Pharm, Advanced Excel (VLOOKUP level, self-taught via YouTube at 2 AM)

Family BackgroundArranged his own marriage via a printed list in 1998, has been optimizing the format ever since

DietVegetarian, thali on Sundays, negotiated like every match he's ever proposed

Annual IncomeComfortable, none of it earned from matchmaking, all of it spent on it

Languages KnownHindi, English, Gujarati, and Conditional Formatting

47 TABS MAINTAINED3 CONFIRMED MATCHES (DISPUTED)

Fund the Humor

“Uncle added our daughter to 'Tab 12: Eligible, Pending Green Card' without asking her, or us, or checking if she was already engaged. She was already engaged. The row is still there, marked 'Status: Complicated.' We are seeking a match who will let him update Column G one final, triumphant time.”

Gems of Wisdom

Data-Driven Matchmaker

“Compatibility isn't chemistry. It's a well-maintained pivot table.”

Legacy Systems Advocate

“I don't do dating apps. Dating apps don't cross-reference gotra against visa expiry dates. I do.”

Continuous Improvement Officer

“Every rejection gets logged. Not as a failure. As a data point.”

Institutional Memory

“My spreadsheet has survived three laptops, two divorces, and one very angry niece.”

Seeking a Match Who

A partner who will help him migrate the sheet to a 'proper database, finally,' a promise he's made for six years running.

Absolute Dealbreakers

Anyone who asks to be removed from the spreadsheet. Rows are archived, never deleted.

Endorsements

“Added me to a tab I never consented to, then followed up about it weekly for a year.”

— A Reluctant Bachelor

“Cross-referenced my horoscope against a man I've never met. The match percentage was, apparently, 'promising.'”

— Anonymous Niece

“His spreadsheet correctly predicted my cousin's divorce eight months early. Nobody asked it to.”

— Anonymous Cousin

Astro-Political Kundli Alignment

Certified by the LinkedIn Kundli Stalking Division

Ideal MatchMercury in the House of Nested IF Statements

Primary DoshaMangal Dosha (Chronic Overreach Syndrome)

Match %68% (per Column Q)

CAUTION: Mangal Dosha (Chronic Overreach Syndrome) detected in the 8th house. Avoid unscripted interactions.